There it is. Wait, it’s following you. Is “it” you? Is that really you? Unfortunately, it seems so. When did this happen? You don’t realize when it began (does anything really have a beginning? Is time a flat circle?), it just did. Today you woke up and you have this “weird” want to look good. That’s not gay, right? The good thing is you’re not alone. Every day, hundreds of teenage men wake up and realize that they aren’t Mr. Suave, Ryan Gosling, but rather our stylishly blind friend Steve.
One day you looked at the mirror and cringed at that thing that looked back. And I don’t mean your average looking body and facial features mind you; I mean you woke up and saw the hideous amalgamation of what you call an “outfit” staring right back at you. A sweatshirt advertising your favorite college you sorta hoped to play football for as a kid (I’m fairly certain scrawny white kids never truly believed they were going to go pro, did they?), oversized Nike basketball shorts (long enough to hide your twig legs) and the perfect pair of Nike Elite socks paired with your favorite slip-on sliders. Maybe it was puberty finally starting a few years late (it’s the GMOs, man), maybe you discovered there exists stores aside from Dicks Sporting Goods, or maybe you finally got tired of looking like a dry, shriveled up raisin.
But like all journeys, the reason doesn’t matter, it’s
the journey the ending we all want to see. Are skinny fit pants actually gay, or just the misunderstood secret to owning your outfit ? Can I really just wear a tee-shirt and look good (hopefully you’re wearing some type of pants with it)? When are the 90’s coming back, yo? You’ve probably had at least one of these basic pleb questions before but luckily you probably entered the right corner to find the answers. Thankfully, we’re not going anywhere so over the next few days, weeks, and months we plan on teaching you how to not be that ugly raisin and reveal your inner Ryan Gosling*.
*Results may vary